Keep Your Religious Mouth Shut!

   Wow! It sure has been a while! How are you? Also Happy Easter, Spring Equinox, Zombie Day, whatever your choice of holiday words are... have a happy day. Since I have last posted I have graduated, gotten married, moved to Colorado, and all that fun jazz. I'm now a preschool teacher, how nice is that? The kids are great and I'm the only person in the place hat speaks fluent english, so the parents are relieved. I had a couple tell me they're just happy someone can spell their childs name correctly. Anyways, enough catching up, on to business as usual...

   With this oh so wonderful holiday season upon us, I felt a confession on my part should be said. A true, deep, religious confession. Here goes.... I don't believe in God, and never really have. Whew! That was a load off my chest! Now usually I keep this to myself not because I'm ashamed or anything, but because I fucking believe that your beliefs are YOUR BELIEFS!!!! Nobody asks you what you believe without either wanting to sit and talk about how your sooo much alike, or wanting to convert you to their insane, messed up world of rules that are sometimes followed and sometimes not. Homosexuals are bad because the bible says so... but we don't follow the rules of killing a woman who is not a virgin before marriage anymore. That's barbaric. So, what constitutes a rule that should be followed and a rule that's not followed? Who the hell decides these things!? But you know what, what you choose to believe is what YOU choose to believe. Whether or not I agree with it is none nobody's business but my own and I know how to keep my mouth shut and smile and nod.

   Why can't everyone just simple keep their beliefs to themselves? Like I said, it's your beliefs, not mine. I don't want your beliefs, so there is a reason I do not have them. So for God/Jehova/Flying Spaghetti Monster/Zeus/Whoever's sake... shut your Goddamn mouth! Quit telling me I am going to hell, quit telling me I am a heathen, quit telling me I am demon possessed (that was an interesting discussion), quit telling me that my personal beliefs are stopping you from exercising your religious freedoms. You know what? Nothing I do ever has any effect on what you do, so just leave me alone to do whatever I want and you go do whatever you want. At the end of the day, nothing changes and the sun rises again. Surprise. No eternal hellfire sprouting from the earth to claim this so called lost child and what not.

  So todays Bird goes to mouthy Christians that try to shove their beliefs down peoples throats that don't want them. Just go to church with all your other Christian buddies and when you leave to live your life of sin once again, you can find me at the bar with an empty chair beside me for you to get trashed in... just like always.

   Also, stay out of my Harry Potter books... they teach witchcraft as much as Lord of the Rings teaches sword fighting...

Sweaty Boob Money

    Hey, how's it going? Everything is cool here for the most part. I have encountered one of the most vile, disguisting, mind boggingly gross things I have ever seen myself conquering. Ladies and gentlemen... I present to you.... the sweaty boob money. You know, that money that usually fat people pull out of their bra to pay with their things for? Yeah, gross. I touch it, then give it to you for your change because I sure as hell don't want it.

   Who in their right mind wants to touch that money and why would you EVER store it in your bra?! You have a purse the size of a Vegas whores vagina, why are you making me touch your boob sweat? I feel like I'm groping your nasty, sweaty boobs when I touch that soaking wet dollar bill. I'm gagging as I type this! For God's sake, STOP IT!!! I will murder you in my dreams it's so gross! This is the deep south, land of sweat and friend chicken obesity. Don't give me your nasty, sticky, slimey, money out of your bra.

   This bird goes to sweaty boob money people! Stop being disguisting and take a GOD DAMN SHOWER!!!!!!!!!!! Also get a wallet and put your money in there. Save me from feeling like a slimeball for the rest of my shift!

Bitches Can't Read!

   Hi! How are you? I feel bad we haven't talked in a while. I've been busy... with a new job! And it is waaay better than Pizza Hell. I work at good ole Wal-Mart now as your friendly neighborhood cashier. While working here, I have noticed that very people know how to read or count. OK, people gather around and heed the warning in my story. Should you have 2 buggies completely overflowing with merchandise, DO NOT COME TO THE 20 ITEMS OR LESS LINE!!!!! I dream about gouging your eyes out with those 300 spoons you decided were incredible important to buy right now and could not wait the extra 10 seconds to walk to a regular fucking register. For god's sake man, I only have so much room up here to pile your shit up and those people behind you in line hate your fucking guts. But that's ok, you're our star customer right? Everyone loves you, so you deserve this right? Why don't you take you God damn groceries and ride an seizuring pony to land of FUCK YOU?!?!
   That's another thing, I'm not a damn architect! I am not Ted Mosby, so when you see me constructing an intricate pile of your bullshit groceries on a spinning turntable, it's not because I love architecture. It's because your fat ass is lazy to pick up your own shit. Maybe if you quit eating 10 pounds of burritos for dinner (I guess that's how much... you only bought 15 packs!) you wouldn't feel to weak to pick up your own groceries. I love Tetris as much as the next guy, but finding a place to put eggs on top of a love child from a one night stand between the Eiffel Tower and the Leaning Tower of Pizza made of junk food is not my idea of a fun pastime.
   One final bit of acidic anger towards the dumbass Wal-Mart consumers... I cannot read your bank account. I have no idea how much money is in your gift card or checking account by looking at it and the computer is not going to tell me either. Stop asking. I can put random numbers in the computer and maybe one of them will go through, but I honestly cannot looking into that black strip on the back with my magic eyeballs and read your account. If I could, I wouldn't be working at Wal-Mart. I'd probably be in a laboratory somewhere getting dissected. So I guess it's good I can't do that... you fucking dumbass.

This bird goes to all you fucking dumbasses who failed kindergarten where we learned to read and count.

   On a good note, well great note actually, I've decided to end this with some happiness because that's what Nice Peter says to do. Who the hell is that you ask? Go look him up on the YouTube. He is probably most known for his EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! I like his actual music though. He's really good, and the songs Best Spot in the Lot and Superman Socks make me smile even when I'm around Wal Mart customers who I want to scalp. 

Gay Couples are Cute

    Wow, I'm on a roll! This one's fairly short though. It's basically about gay couples and how some people think they're "gross" or "unnatural." You know what. You're wrong. I honestly find that gay couples are adorable. And there is NOTHING wrong with it! It's two people who love each other for who they are. Why is that so wrong? I would rather have 2 people who love each other get married and have kids in a loving family than two straight people who hate each other and rip their kid apart through a divorce. Trust me, been there done that got the tshirt.
   Why is gay marriage so wrong? If you ask anyone they'll hide behind the bible bullshit excuse. The bible says alot of crazy things that people don't follow because it "fell out of favor." But somehow this anti-gay thing stuck around. Not sure why. Just shows how people only believe what they want to believe and it pisses me off. Look at that couple in the top picture and tell me that that is not a picture of a family that loves each other unconditionally. You can't because that's exactly what it is.


   This bird goes to those extremists who hate something as beautiful as love in its many shapes and forms. For the sake of my sanity and everyone elses sanity, get your heads out of your asses!

You Darn Kids and Your Music!

    When was the last time you turned on the radio? Did you hear that crap?!?!?! That's called dubstep. Who the hell decided that the sounds for a dial up modem was music? It sounds like a robot vomiting after a night of drinking Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters with Lindsay Lohan and snorting mountains of cocaine with Charlie Sheen and having wild kinky sex with GLaDOS. There is no harmony, there are no lyrics worth listening to, and there is absolutely no musicality! Who decided this was music?!?!? I was on campus today and I heard someone complaining how Skrillex didn't win anything at the Grammys and Adele won everything. Want to know why? SHE'S! A! MUSICIAN! She makes this funny little thing called music that is very nice if you listen to it. She's not exactly my favorite musician, but she's a hell of a lot better than Skrillex.

   And then there's the dance. Pop and Lock. Dubstep. Whatever you want to call it, it's all the same thing..... the robot. Yeah that came out in 1967. Not very new and exciting is it?

   So the bird today goes to every "music artist" who makes Dubstep. It's not music, it's just noise that gives a weak minded person a reason to get fucked up. It reduces music to simply an aid to listen to while you're tripping, not something to enjoy and treasure. It lacks personality. It lacks a face. It lacks everything that makes music music. So fuck you dubstep.

Fair Weather Friends

    So yesterday I went shopping for my wedding dress! Yay for me! I found what I wanted as well as all the bridesmaids dresses on the first and only store I've been to! I don't know why people make it so difficult... Where was I? Oh yeah... I was shopping with 2 of my 3 bridesmaids. One is a flight attendant and who knows where in the world she is. We talk all the time, but shes in a different place every night. We're having this grand old time being girly and doing wedding stuff, and an old friend I told waaaaay back in high school should could be my bridesmaid got her panties in a big ol' wad about not being there.
   You know fair weather friends... the ones who are there because life is good and it benefits them? Yeah, this is one of those. She just doesn't understand why I didn't make her a bridesmaid! Hello... are you that much of an idiot. Here... let me spell this out for you if you have figured out how to read something other than a Harry Potter book yet...

1. You haven't spoken to me in years unless you wanted something from me. A ride because your fat ass is to lazy to walk to the next building. Me to bring you food because you don't feel like walking from a flight of stairs. A couch to sleep several nights on because you can't wait the 2 more days for dorms to open. For Gods sake... stop asking me to do menial job shit for you and get off your lazy ass to get your own food!

2. This one's real easy. YOU. HATE. MY. FUTURE. HUSBAND. Yes you do. You've told me 1,000 times you hate him. Not sure why, he's gone out of his way to be nice to you. You lied to him and said one of his friends took your virginity and said he raped you when he did not such thing. C'mon... do you think I'm that dumb? Especially when go you screw half the drumline before band camp is even over! That guy by the way is the best man, oh the irony if I made you walk down the aisle with him. You also clapped him over the ear and made him deaf when he told you your shirt looked nice. that I'll never understand. You yelled at him when all he asked you to do as move your car out of the grass in our front yard. No, he's not being a dick. Our landlord said no cars on the grass dumb shit... get it?

3. I'm pretty sure you don't like me anyways. So why would you want to be a bridesmaid? You called me fat in front of my friends. The only reason I didn't slap the shit out of your pock marked face was because I was in a professional environment and in charge of teaching kids. You don't even like my friends! Well, you like some a little much but others you hate. All you do is complain about them. Everytime I talk to you it's you complaining about somebody doing something that ruins your life. Get over it you little drama queen and go find someone to stick up your vag like usual.

   So... there it is. Fair weather friends suck. Never there to help you out, and only there when everything is great. Not this time however. I want my bridesmaids to be the 3 people who help me through rough times in my life. It's like the 3 angels of sorts. One gives me sage advice when I'm down. One dishes out death threats. One says to shut up and take this shot. All have helped me through one time or another when I needed it so they will be by my side at the best time in my life! This bird goes to all those flighty ass fair weather friends and a nice kick in the ass. Here's to you!

We're Taking Applications

  So as you know, I just quit my job. Looking back, kind of stupid but well worth it. Now I'm back on the hunt for jobs! And you know what phrase I have found to be my least favorite in the entire world? "We're taking applications." You know, I would be OK with just "No sorry. We're not hiring right now." Why even tell me you might look at it? That's like telling a kid you might be giving out candy, then run away with a big box full while flipping them off. That kid grows up to be a serial killer because you didn't give him any candy. How do you feel now huh? People died because of you! You monster!!! Where was I? Oh yeah... it's really annoying. Just say yes or no... it's not going to kill me if you say no. I'm a big girl and I can handle it!

So everyone who has ever said "we're accepting applications" instead of a yes or no gets the bird today. No go take your big box of candy and stay away from the children!