Sweaty Boob Money

    Hey, how's it going? Everything is cool here for the most part. I have encountered one of the most vile, disguisting, mind boggingly gross things I have ever seen myself conquering. Ladies and gentlemen... I present to you.... the sweaty boob money. You know, that money that usually fat people pull out of their bra to pay with their things for? Yeah, gross. I touch it, then give it to you for your change because I sure as hell don't want it.

   Who in their right mind wants to touch that money and why would you EVER store it in your bra?! You have a purse the size of a Vegas whores vagina, why are you making me touch your boob sweat? I feel like I'm groping your nasty, sweaty boobs when I touch that soaking wet dollar bill. I'm gagging as I type this! For God's sake, STOP IT!!! I will murder you in my dreams it's so gross! This is the deep south, land of sweat and friend chicken obesity. Don't give me your nasty, sticky, slimey, money out of your bra.

   This bird goes to sweaty boob money people! Stop being disguisting and take a GOD DAMN SHOWER!!!!!!!!!!! Also get a wallet and put your money in there. Save me from feeling like a slimeball for the rest of my shift!

Bitches Can't Read!

   Hi! How are you? I feel bad we haven't talked in a while. I've been busy... with a new job! And it is waaay better than Pizza Hell. I work at good ole Wal-Mart now as your friendly neighborhood cashier. While working here, I have noticed that very people know how to read or count. OK, people gather around and heed the warning in my story. Should you have 2 buggies completely overflowing with merchandise, DO NOT COME TO THE 20 ITEMS OR LESS LINE!!!!! I dream about gouging your eyes out with those 300 spoons you decided were incredible important to buy right now and could not wait the extra 10 seconds to walk to a regular fucking register. For god's sake man, I only have so much room up here to pile your shit up and those people behind you in line hate your fucking guts. But that's ok, you're our star customer right? Everyone loves you, so you deserve this right? Why don't you take you God damn groceries and ride an seizuring pony to land of FUCK YOU?!?!
   That's another thing, I'm not a damn architect! I am not Ted Mosby, so when you see me constructing an intricate pile of your bullshit groceries on a spinning turntable, it's not because I love architecture. It's because your fat ass is lazy to pick up your own shit. Maybe if you quit eating 10 pounds of burritos for dinner (I guess that's how much... you only bought 15 packs!) you wouldn't feel to weak to pick up your own groceries. I love Tetris as much as the next guy, but finding a place to put eggs on top of a love child from a one night stand between the Eiffel Tower and the Leaning Tower of Pizza made of junk food is not my idea of a fun pastime.
   One final bit of acidic anger towards the dumbass Wal-Mart consumers... I cannot read your bank account. I have no idea how much money is in your gift card or checking account by looking at it and the computer is not going to tell me either. Stop asking. I can put random numbers in the computer and maybe one of them will go through, but I honestly cannot looking into that black strip on the back with my magic eyeballs and read your account. If I could, I wouldn't be working at Wal-Mart. I'd probably be in a laboratory somewhere getting dissected. So I guess it's good I can't do that... you fucking dumbass.

This bird goes to all you fucking dumbasses who failed kindergarten where we learned to read and count.

   On a good note, well great note actually, I've decided to end this with some happiness because that's what Nice Peter says to do. Who the hell is that you ask? Go look him up on the YouTube. He is probably most known for his EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! I like his actual music though. He's really good, and the songs Best Spot in the Lot and Superman Socks make me smile even when I'm around Wal Mart customers who I want to scalp. 

Gay Couples are Cute

    Wow, I'm on a roll! This one's fairly short though. It's basically about gay couples and how some people think they're "gross" or "unnatural." You know what. You're wrong. I honestly find that gay couples are adorable. And there is NOTHING wrong with it! It's two people who love each other for who they are. Why is that so wrong? I would rather have 2 people who love each other get married and have kids in a loving family than two straight people who hate each other and rip their kid apart through a divorce. Trust me, been there done that got the tshirt.
   Why is gay marriage so wrong? If you ask anyone they'll hide behind the bible bullshit excuse. The bible says alot of crazy things that people don't follow because it "fell out of favor." But somehow this anti-gay thing stuck around. Not sure why. Just shows how people only believe what they want to believe and it pisses me off. Look at that couple in the top picture and tell me that that is not a picture of a family that loves each other unconditionally. You can't because that's exactly what it is.


   This bird goes to those extremists who hate something as beautiful as love in its many shapes and forms. For the sake of my sanity and everyone elses sanity, get your heads out of your asses!

You Darn Kids and Your Music!

    When was the last time you turned on the radio? Did you hear that crap?!?!?! That's called dubstep. Who the hell decided that the sounds for a dial up modem was music? It sounds like a robot vomiting after a night of drinking Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters with Lindsay Lohan and snorting mountains of cocaine with Charlie Sheen and having wild kinky sex with GLaDOS. There is no harmony, there are no lyrics worth listening to, and there is absolutely no musicality! Who decided this was music?!?!? I was on campus today and I heard someone complaining how Skrillex didn't win anything at the Grammys and Adele won everything. Want to know why? SHE'S! A! MUSICIAN! She makes this funny little thing called music that is very nice if you listen to it. She's not exactly my favorite musician, but she's a hell of a lot better than Skrillex.

   And then there's the dance. Pop and Lock. Dubstep. Whatever you want to call it, it's all the same thing..... the robot. Yeah that came out in 1967. Not very new and exciting is it?

   So the bird today goes to every "music artist" who makes Dubstep. It's not music, it's just noise that gives a weak minded person a reason to get fucked up. It reduces music to simply an aid to listen to while you're tripping, not something to enjoy and treasure. It lacks personality. It lacks a face. It lacks everything that makes music music. So fuck you dubstep.

Fair Weather Friends

    So yesterday I went shopping for my wedding dress! Yay for me! I found what I wanted as well as all the bridesmaids dresses on the first and only store I've been to! I don't know why people make it so difficult... Where was I? Oh yeah... I was shopping with 2 of my 3 bridesmaids. One is a flight attendant and who knows where in the world she is. We talk all the time, but shes in a different place every night. We're having this grand old time being girly and doing wedding stuff, and an old friend I told waaaaay back in high school should could be my bridesmaid got her panties in a big ol' wad about not being there.
   You know fair weather friends... the ones who are there because life is good and it benefits them? Yeah, this is one of those. She just doesn't understand why I didn't make her a bridesmaid! Hello... are you that much of an idiot. Here... let me spell this out for you if you have figured out how to read something other than a Harry Potter book yet...

1. You haven't spoken to me in years unless you wanted something from me. A ride because your fat ass is to lazy to walk to the next building. Me to bring you food because you don't feel like walking from a flight of stairs. A couch to sleep several nights on because you can't wait the 2 more days for dorms to open. For Gods sake... stop asking me to do menial job shit for you and get off your lazy ass to get your own food!

2. This one's real easy. YOU. HATE. MY. FUTURE. HUSBAND. Yes you do. You've told me 1,000 times you hate him. Not sure why, he's gone out of his way to be nice to you. You lied to him and said one of his friends took your virginity and said he raped you when he did not such thing. C'mon... do you think I'm that dumb? Especially when go you screw half the drumline before band camp is even over! That guy by the way is the best man, oh the irony if I made you walk down the aisle with him. You also clapped him over the ear and made him deaf when he told you your shirt looked nice. that I'll never understand. You yelled at him when all he asked you to do as move your car out of the grass in our front yard. No, he's not being a dick. Our landlord said no cars on the grass dumb shit... get it?

3. I'm pretty sure you don't like me anyways. So why would you want to be a bridesmaid? You called me fat in front of my friends. The only reason I didn't slap the shit out of your pock marked face was because I was in a professional environment and in charge of teaching kids. You don't even like my friends! Well, you like some a little much but others you hate. All you do is complain about them. Everytime I talk to you it's you complaining about somebody doing something that ruins your life. Get over it you little drama queen and go find someone to stick up your vag like usual.

   So... there it is. Fair weather friends suck. Never there to help you out, and only there when everything is great. Not this time however. I want my bridesmaids to be the 3 people who help me through rough times in my life. It's like the 3 angels of sorts. One gives me sage advice when I'm down. One dishes out death threats. One says to shut up and take this shot. All have helped me through one time or another when I needed it so they will be by my side at the best time in my life! This bird goes to all those flighty ass fair weather friends and a nice kick in the ass. Here's to you!

We're Taking Applications

  So as you know, I just quit my job. Looking back, kind of stupid but well worth it. Now I'm back on the hunt for jobs! And you know what phrase I have found to be my least favorite in the entire world? "We're taking applications." You know, I would be OK with just "No sorry. We're not hiring right now." Why even tell me you might look at it? That's like telling a kid you might be giving out candy, then run away with a big box full while flipping them off. That kid grows up to be a serial killer because you didn't give him any candy. How do you feel now huh? People died because of you! You monster!!! Where was I? Oh yeah... it's really annoying. Just say yes or no... it's not going to kill me if you say no. I'm a big girl and I can handle it!

So everyone who has ever said "we're accepting applications" instead of a yes or no gets the bird today. No go take your big box of candy and stay away from the children!

Pizza Hell

   Crazy. That's me. Crazy. Why would I start this whole blog out like this you ask? Because I can, thats why. Now, asking why I am crazy can get you a whole bunch of answers. But that would take literally all night and day. So I'll simply state that I'm crazy this time for quitting my job and being happy about it. Why you ask? This is a crazy economy, why did I just quit having positive income? Well you see, I used to work as a waitress at this place called Pizza Hell, I mean, Pizza Hut. It was total hell. Apparently I was the longest they have managed to keep a server for more than a few days! I last a whole month. Quite a feat I assure you.

   First we start off with baby-mama. I'll refrain from her real name for her own well being because, well, she needs all the help she can get. This chick had 3 babies, from 3 different baby-daddies. Ones in jail, ones paying child support, and one is a mystery man. I got to hear all about her wonderful children and her favorite baby daddy who is the biggest sweet heart in all the land. Except for he went to prison 3 days after the birth of his own child. Yeah. Sweet heart. Now this doesn't bother me much. I have the patience of a saint when it comes to listening to people complain. I had a problem when she took my tables for being "to slow." Made no sense since I just so happened to be going faster than her. Want to know why this got to me so badly? She got $20 in tips off of those tables. $20 that should have been mine. But you know what, I can even let that slide. She has been a waitress there for 5 years. The only waitress since the others keep being ran off by different things. Who wants to be a waitress working minimum wage for 5 years while trying to raise 3 kids and go to college? Whatever, her prerogative I guess. After that much time, you probably know who's about to pay you a lot of money. I also don't appreciate being told that I'm cleaning tables wrong when I've been over them 3 times. They're clean. I assure you they are very clean.

   Now most of the people who work there are OK people. Not to bad, but not the best of people. However, the one who sticks out the most is the crazy one. Once again, I will not call her by name, but simply crazy. A more apt name would be "the one who needs an attitude adjustment," but thats to long to type. Crazy will do. Because she is, well, crazy. A new waitress, only waitress in a restaurant on a Saturday night, packed FULL of people. Every single seat was taken. Literally every one of them. And little ol' me. Whose fault is it that the computer deletes tickets before they get paid. Why me of course! Who gets in my face to tell me how awful of a person I am? Crazy of course. Apparently saying OK when she tells me something is wrong is not a good enough answer when there's no way to fix it. Sure I understand, now please get out of my face! The kitchen is putting out pizzas in the wrong order and I'm taking a table who got here later their pizza first. Oh no. Disaster. At least thats what Crazy thinks. And it's all my fault, somehow. Not sure how but it is somehow. Once again in my face yelling. Then tips start disappearing off tables. Where did those go? I walked by a minute ago with a pizza in one hand and 1,000 drinks in the other and it was there. Now it's not! Noone seems to know. But now I'm in trouble for losing tips and not cleaning up tables when there is only one person who is helping me out here. She was nice. I'll actually miss working with her.

   Now you ask, what was the managerial staff doing during all of this? Either talking on the phone or watching me flail around in the dining area. Afterwards I got pulled to the side and told I wasn't doing good enough. You know, I think I did pretty well being by myself and trying to serve a whole house full of people. Apparently not. I don't appreciate being yelled at everytime I mess up when I'm new at something. Mistakes happen, so get over them and fix it. Not a hard concept.

   Between my own money disappearing, crappy employees, crappy hours, and being yelled at for things that aren't my fault, I decided that this job just isn't for me. So I went to the back room and told the manager that I didn't appreciate the treatment and promptly left.

   Well that was a nice release! It will also probably be my longest post ever. Anyways, this weeks bird goes to Pizza Hut. Enjoy.